The tension between art and marketing is a tricky thing. Maintaining the optimal viewing environment, and allowing the audience to be captivated by what they’re seeing, is often at odds with what it takes to actually get people to watch the damn thing. Bachelor in Paradise’s ratings are plummeting, even with the help of The Golden Bachelor as a lead-in. (I blame the late-September start date — this is summer programming!) So it makes sense that the advertising for the show has a distinctly desperate “please watch; please, please watch” tone. But by hammering us with the same few clips for months before the show even airs, it turns something that could be an unmitigated delight into something we’re already bored with. I’m talking, of course, about Poopgate.
We’ve been promised the story line since the Bachelor in Paradise teaser on “The Men Tell All.” Sam hasn’t pooped in nine days, and a handsome doctor tells us that if she doesn’t have a bowel movement by sunrise, they’ll have to deliver a poop baby. We get a winking shot of a turtle’s head popping out of its shell, like an Animal Planet Goatse. It is, in fairness, one of the best story lines we’ve seen on this beach. A ticking clock, bathroom humor, legitimate romantic stakes — it’s got it all! But by the time we get to see the clips in context, though, the gleeful shock has worn off and it doesn’t pack as big a punch as it could have. It’s a shame. But before we can find out if Sam delivers her poop baby, we have a lot to get into.
The first thing we have to discuss is why the editors are so mean to Sean! This is the second time he’s gotten a snarky little caption directly refuting something he’s said about himself. (This time, it’s about whether he smells good.) Was he rude to a camera operator? Did he insult Jesse’s haircut? Does his family have a blood feud going back for generations with the Fleiss clan? I don’t get it! I like it when the editors have fun, but this just feels mean for the sake of being mean. It reminds me of the snarky narration on Too Hot to Handle, which I’ve written about disliking. As I hope these recaps make clear, I have great affection for the contestants even as I’m making fun of them. I want the show to as well!
Sean — who I’m sure smells fine — and Aaron S. give us a recap of the couples that is definitely just a casual conversation and not a suggestion from producers. Jess and Blake, Aaron S. and Sam, Sean and Rachel, Aaron B. and Eliza, Brayden and Kat, and Pete and Olivia are coupled up. The boys call this last couple “surface-level bullshit,” and we then cut to Pete telling the rest of their breakfast table that he and Olivia are in love. I think they’re mostly joking, and I am still very much here for this alliance of pettiness. Sean and Aaron also agree that Brayden and Kat are the strongest couple here, which is just the moment of dramatic irony we need to send Tanner down the beach to fuck things up.
All of the ladies are super into Tanner when he arrives. I don’t know if it’s the novelty of a new hunk or he’s simply not my type, but I don’t get it. He’s just kind of generically handsome. Jess and Kat are feeling it, though, and Tanner ultimately asks Kat out on the date. She says yes immediately without talking to Brayden about it. This sends Brayden into a tailspin and solidifies Kat’s inevitable villain edit. Never mind that Kylee did the same thing and was only lightly chided. Still, if Kat was smarter, she’d see what happened with Kylee and just give Brayden a courtesy heads-up. I still believe no one owes anyone anything on the hot people’s beach, but there are rules and consequences for breaking them.
Brayden, who has never felt a negative emotion that he didn’t make a whole Olive Garden meal out of, is spending the whole day pouting, but Jess is feeling bummed as well. Even though she’s technically boo’d up with Blake, Tanner was her No. 1 pick, and her bestie, Kat, knew that. This makes two people who think Kat should have talked to them before she went horseback riding with Tanner.
Yes, obviously, Kat and Tanner get the horse date. If you asked me at the beginning of the season who would most hate riding a horse, I would have said Kat, no question. The woman cannot handle anything outside her comfort zone. I get the feeling she only eats buttered noodles and chicken nuggets. Cheese quesadillas if she’s feeling adventurous. She screams when the horse walks through a pond and water splashes onto her. I don’t know how she functions in the world! Kat says she’s happy she went on this date to “get clarity,” which in the parlance of BiP means, “Do what I want without feeling bad about hurting someone’s feelings.”
Sean recaps the couples again, including Mercedes and Will, who he left off the list earlier. Will tells us how Mercedes comforted him when Kylee broke his heart, saying, “There’s nothing you can do to ruin my day.” Buddy, you can’t just say shit like that! Here comes Tyler Norris to ruin your day! Tyler reminds us that he “left with somebody last year, but it didn’t work out.” I had to look up what happened because nothing that happens on these shows stays in my brain for longer than two weeks, which is why I love them. (He and Brittany left as a couple but broke up before the reunion. Whatever.)
When Rachel sees him, she says, “Another one of my ex-boyfriends is joining the beach!” This girl has the most aggressive case of Main Character Syndrome I’ve ever seen. She tells us that she is INTERESTED IN GOING ON A DATE with him. She broke up with him on hometowns before meeting his family!! Tyler says it would be a nice little full-circle moment for them to go on a paradise date, but ultimately gives his date card to Mercedes. Tyler doesn’t strike me as a particularly vindictive guy, but I bet that felt good. Feeling less good is Will, who is watching the girl he likes get snatched away for the second time.
Okay, here it is! We finally get to Sam’s inability to poop. We get a horror-movie-style flashback to the rose ceremony where Sam shares that she was trying not to poop her pants the whole time, but by the time it was over, she didn’t have to go anymore. A handsome doctor named Kelly tells her everything we’ve seen already — that if she doesn’t poop by the next morning she’ll have to go to the hospital — and then gives some of the best confessional footage I’ve ever seen. With a straight face, Dr. Kelly answers some questions about poo babies he’s delivered, but he’s clearly trying not to laugh. I spy a wedding ring; otherwise, I would say get Dr. Kelly a date card stat!
While Sam tries to shit, Kat and Tanner return from their date. Brayden, who’s spent the day pouting, pulls Kat aside to basically make her break up with him. Phew, okay. Hot People™ are so bad at breakups, but I’m going to sum it up as best I can. Kat says that she doesn’t see feelings developing further with Brayden. He asks why that is, and she says it’s because she wasn’t thinking about him on her date with Tanner. Brayden is hurt by how coldly Kat speaks to him and starts talking about how he feels like he got played. The rest of the group rallies around Brayden, accepting his narrative that she was only using him for a rose and planned to dump him as soon as something better came along. I don’t think that’s entirely incorrect, but I’m sensing an incel-y undercurrent to this narrative. This kind of thing happens a lot on Paradise — it’s happened a lot this season and we’re only on episode three! — so why is Kat getting the most heat for it? Is it just because Brayden is making the most noise about being hurt?
Kat comes down from taking a shower, and Kylee, of all people, tells her she needs to be more considerate of Brayden’s emotions. KYLEE, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Kylee did the same exact thing to Will. How is she now getting away with defending Brayden’s feelings? Abject hypocrisy aside, I think Kylee — and Jess, who joins her — are being good friends to Kat now. Kat does not see it that way, however, and angrily confronts Brayden about what he’s been saying to people. “I didn’t want to continue with Brayden — that is fair and valid,” she tells us in a confessional. Yes, she’s allowed to break up with whomever she wants. That’s true in life and doubly true in Paradise. But his feelings are also fair and valid. She is being cold to him. She’s also being condescending, telling Brayden that he didn’t understand her when he absolutely understood — he was being broken up with; it’s not that hard. Kat says, “I just want to be normal and have a conversation,” but shuts down the conversation by arguing with Brayden about how he feels and then accusing him of arguing.
Finally, we’re back to the poop countdown. Aaron, who likes Sam and doesn’t want her to have to leave so she can have her bowels cleaned out, makes her a “poopoo platter” full of fibrous food and leads her in some exercises to help get things moving. This is, without a hint of irony, the most romantic thing I’ve seen on any iteration of this franchise. Wells describes the situation succinctly: “It’s like Cinderella, but instead of a glass slipper, it’s a big dookie.” We’re left with a cliffhanger on whether or not Sam manages to poop her guts out. And that, my friends, is why this is the best show on television.
