There are many reasons that this season of Salt Lake City feels like a return to form, one of which is that Meredith and Lisa are finally friends again. After they comforted one another during their respective breakdowns in Palm Springs, it feels like old times already, and this week’s episode kicks off with the pair getting facials, where Lisa explains how she was banned from a Park City tanning salon for making a scene when they refused to tan her. First of all, if this tanning salon has security-camera footage, I would like to see it. Second, this might be the most succinct descriptor I’ve ever heard for what makes a good Housewife. If someone seems like they could have possibly been banned from a tanning salon at any point, Bravo should hire them on the spot.
The women get scans of their faces that display their imperfections with a splotchy blue photo that horrifies Lisa and feels like production getting revenge for her drag refusal. It looks as if the girl from The Ring wore false lashes. But this, she says, is worth taking all of her makeup off for. As they put on high-tech Jason Voorhees–like masks, Lisa tells Meredith that she’s throwing an Après-No-Ski party and inviting all the ladies, even Monica.
And speaking of Monica, she’s getting lunch with Whitney, who accuses her of going against her friends (Angie and Lisa) as a way to suck up to Heather and Meredith. Monica once again explains that she has no problem calling out her friends if they’re in the wrong like Angie and Lisa were. She’s loyal to principle, not person! But Whitney warns Monica to be careful buddying up to Meredith, saying she has a history of threatening to expose dirt on people. Her latest target is Angie, according to what Meredith and her “serious eye” told Whitney at the airport. “Every time Meredith feels wronged, it’s like all of a sudden a rumor gets wings,” Whitney says like the little girl in It’s a Wonderful Life.
Back at home, Whitney’s celebrating Justin’s new job, but after a year of him being a stay-at-home dad, the family has to adjust to both parents working full-time. And Whitney doesn’t want all the responsibilities to fall back on her shoulders just because her husband is back at work. She also wants to make sure they both can stay present in her kids’ lives during this transition, and what better time to bring up all of these fears and concerns than over Justin’s celebratory cake?
After nodding off while Angie played cards with her family, we’re jolted back to life by Heather hitting the slopes with her daughters. After their ski runs, Heather uses a handful of snow to cool off their hot chocolates and they talk about the bullying situation at her daughters’ school. We hear about what the girls have been dealing with after the release of Bad Mormon, including being called the C-word — both via note and via a delivery of cookies. And the C is not for cookies. In my opinion, we move on from the profane cookies far too quickly, because I have nothing but questions. What flavor were they? Did they all say cunt on them? Or was it four cookies, one for each letter? Was it spelled in frosting or chocolate chips? Were they at least delicious?
While Heather is naturally horrified by all of this, her daughters seem intent on brushing it off, laughing at how ridiculous it is to not give the cursing bakers the reaction they want. Heather also doesn’t want to overreact because she wants her daughters to be able to confide in her rather than keep things to themselves to prevent her from freaking out at the school like she’s Lisa Barlow at a tanning salon. She also feels a tremendous amount of guilt that the book’s release has caused this, and though she wants to write a second book, she doesn’t want to further the impact it’s had on her kids.
Speaking of name-calling and bullying, it’s time for the whole cast to come together at Lisa’s Après-No-Ski party, which actually starts off very cordially. Lisa and Monica have a civil greeting before Lisa brings up her problem with how Monica went after her, saying there’s nothing wrong with being materialistic and that she works hard for her money. Monica, our proletariat icon, tells her that everyone works hard, pointing out the caterers manning the crêpe station as an example. Fortunately, Lisa is wise enough not to try to compete with her caterers over who’s a harder worker and instead tells Monica that she’s no different than any other guest at the party.
But Monica says that the other guests aren’t bragging about flying in a private jet with Snoop Dogg, an accusation that Lisa vehemently denies. In a confessional, Monica explains that she was dropping something off to Lisa at the airport for Jen when she heard her crying about how she could have been flying private with Snoop instead. “I do go on private jets, but never with Snoop Dogg. I would never say that,” Lisa shouts, at which point Heather chimes in to say she’s the one who’s hung out with Snoop Dogg. We see the photo of Snoop and Heather in 2015, in case you were looking for a new screensaver, but get no context as to the story behind it. We’ll have to submit that as a reunion question.
Somehow, Whitney ends up in the middle of this fight, and I mean that literally. Trapped between them in a booth, she’s forced to try and play mediator and shockingly has some success. Lisa thinks Monica is running with this preconceived notion rather than getting to actually know her, but Monica says that’s not her intention, and with that, they’re able to put the issue to bed. They hug and Lisa tells her to go get a crêpe.
Crêpe in hand, Monica sits down next to Mary, who asks her, “Do you eat vegetables?” The wild question echoes her famous “you need nutrients” dig to Lisa and is particularly bold, being that just last week, Mary made the Sprinter van take her to McDonald’s. But Monica has cracked the code with Mary and just lets her say anything she wants without ever taking umbrage. Engaging with Mary or getting offended at something she says is a losing battle, because she simply operates on a different wavelength. Heather understands this, too, and completely shrugs it off when Mary questions her necklace choice and says, “You totally missed it on that one.”
But one fight at the party apparently isn’t enough conflict for Monica, who tells Whitney what the dirt is that Meredith has on Angie. According to Monica, the rumor is that Angie’s husband, Shawn, sleeps with men and their entire marriage is fake. But we knew this was coming the second we discovered he’s a hairdresser. At this point, enough Housewives’ husbands have been accused of being gay that they could fill a Pride float. It’s as certain as death and taxes and just as problematic. “Meredith should be the last fucking person to talk about this,” Whitney says, citing her standing as an ally and connection to GLAAD. After all, this is the woman who famously wore a shirt that said, “LGBTQ rights? I’m engaging,” effectively ending homophobia nationwide.
Whitney decides she simply must pass this along to Angie immediately, so they brace her for the news by making her take a drink from the ice luge before telling her. “Meredith lives to spread lies about other people’s marriages,” a furious Angie says, adding that the only one straying from their marriage is Meredith. But as angry as Angie’s words seem to be, I also spot a glimmer of excitement in her normally dead shark eyes. We can practically pinpoint the exact moment she realizes her spot on the show is secure. This is the snowflake-ensuring reaction she needed from Meredith, and finally, after weeks of desperately nipping at her ankles, she got what she wanted. So naturally, Angie leaps right up and storms over to Meredith, the camera following close behind with a Birdman-like tracking shot. “Hey, Meredith, do you have a second?” she says before the screen goes black.
